THE REAL PROBLEM WITH SANSAN

pheasantknight:

So here is the situation as I understand it:  Sansa has to marry Joffrey, who in addition to being a giant abusive terrifying douchecake also probably covers himself in Axe every half an hour and is (in addition to the above) constantly mad because he really took the commercials literally and expects to be COVERED IN WOMEN.  

Now, Joffrey keeps this badass bodyguard around, who in the books is supposed to be this hulking, hideous mass of drunken surly trauma who probably got syphilis from the 3 brothels in town that will let him through the doorway.

In the series, he’s played by Rory McCann who in case you haven’t noticed is a total sex bomb in a Gothic Novel kind of way.  This works, because Sansa’s storyline is basically a gothic novel (Scary Castle-check.  Missing Mother, check. Scary Not-Father Figure-check).  This also doesn’t work, because now nobody is believing that Sansa isn’t changing her panties every time the Hound calls her “Little Bird” or says something about how incredibly badass he is.  I mean, when he’s not onscreen, HBO! Sandor Clegane is constantly having to fight the Old Spice guy because Sandor Clegane Literally Smells Like Power.  

And he’s obsessed with Sansa.  And there are people online who think they should just fuck already.  And there are people online who think they should just fuck and fall in love and (oh just google image “Beautiful Snape” and imagine different hair).  And there are people online screaming “OMG SICK EWWWW GROSS PEDOPHILE BLAH BLAH BLAH” like they wouldn’t have jumped on that motherfucker when they were thirteen.  

But the real problem with SanSan isn’t that he’s like 40 or something and she’s like 11 or 12 or 13 or whatever.  It’s that, in addition to being way too old for her, he’s way too bangin’ for her.  Like, the Hound wears heavy armor all the time because he will literally be covered in naked ladies if he takes it off and it is hard to maul people when you are covered in naked ladies.  Poor sweet hormonal Sansa is just going to melt into a pile of moistened dipshit and start acting like my friend Amber in high school, and she will be all texting him constantly and inviting margaery and her cousins to hang out and smoke weed in his quarters and drink his booze when they’re supposed to be in the sept, and one of the cousins is going to be late for embroidery practice or whatever and totally stoned, and her septa is going to be all “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN” and Varys doesn’t even have to tell anyone where everyone has been

and Joffrey gets maaaaaaad

and he says he is going to kill Sansa and tries to pirate like an entire season of Law and Order SVU to figure out the most awesome method, but finds that Tyrion took limewire off all the computers in the Red Keep and blocked access to the site just like he did 4chan and rotten.com and memebase, and so he has to go to Hulu, and in order to watch anything he has to watch an Axe commercial

and as he’s doing this over and over again alone in his room, he dies a little inside.

Wait, actually, this makes SanSan look like a fairly good idea.  Carry on.